Akatsuki Christmas Cooking
by Sound Shadow
Summary: Pein has a set a task for his Akatsuki members, baking. Crack. Rated M due to Hidan's mouth.


**AN: My sister made me make kiss biscuits and wrap them up for presents and I came up with this idea as I tried to kept myself sane whilst making them but I didn't write about the jam because I'm lazy. Merry Christmas, to those who are reading either 'This War is Ours' and/or 'Flying Free' I am still writing them, a more detailed explanation will be added to my AN when I update those chapters, hopefully soon. **

Deidara, Sasori, Zetsu, Hidan, Itachi, Kisame and Tobi all crowed around the Akatsuki kitchen table. None of them had a clue why they had been called to the kitchen for a meeting. They all looked up and towards the door except for Itachi who could care less. Kakuzu had entered through the door, in each hand he grasped a large shopping bag. Though his face was covered with his mask it was obvious that he was disgruntled. He dropped the bags to the floor and pretended he didn't hear something break. The room was silent for a few seconds before all the members, once again except for Itachi broke out in loud and wondering voices. Kakuzu cut them off quickly.

"Shut up and listen morons." Kakuzu glanced over them all, ensuring they were silent, "don't _even_ think about it Hidan," the Jashinist shut his mouth and dramatically sighed. Kakuzu continued to talk, "due to the lack of funds we have because of certain members such as Deidara, Hidan, Kisame and Tobi insisting everyone buys every member of Akatsuki a present we now have very little money left."

"You're just pissy 'cause you know everyone brought you a pair of socks you tight ass." Hidan called out.

"Why does he know what everyone brought him un?" Deidara piped out, "if he knows I want to know un."

"If they know then Tobi wants to know!" Tobi bounced in his chair with way too much enthusiasm.

"Because, as the treasurer of the Akatsuki I had to ensure all the present didn't go over our budget."

"Kakuzu un." Deidara said, his voice slightly wondering.

"What Deidara?"

"The bags leaking un."

"Shit." Kakuzu slapped his hand to his head. "Right, we haven't given our contacts anything for Christmas and due to the low funds, Pein has ordered us to..bake..kiss biscuits." Kakuzu forced out. The last three words sounded like they had been choked on repetitively.

"I assume he will not be helping?" Itachi asked.

"Like that fucker would do anything other than been delusional about his status as a God." Hidan muttered out.

"Can we make the biscuits into shapes un?" Deidara asked with growing excitement.

"There are star cookie cutters. There will be no other shapes. If our associates get different shapes they much assume that they are more important than other associates. So keep it simple. Stars only." Kakuzu explained, trying to sound important despite the fact he was talking biscuits.

"Normal five point starts or like can we use a different variety un?"

"Just use the_ fucking_ cookie cutters you stupid shit." Kakuzu picked the bags up and dropped them on the table. "Itachi, Zetsu, Sasori and I will be making the biscuits and Deidara, Hidan and Kisame will be icing them."

"What's Tobi's job?!" Tobi asked, he was beginning to shake with excitement.

"You can..dip them in the hundreds and thousands." Kakuzu said, dread already setting in at letting Tobi do anything.

"Why do you get to cook and we have to put fucking icing on them?" Hidan asked with annoyance.

"Logic Hidan. We can cook." Itachi stated.

No one argued with that.

It started off organized. The correct amount of butter was mixed with the sugar. Zetsu was beating the two ingredients together, he picked up an egg that hadn't been broken and dropped it in. Hidan watched as the egg and the shell was mixed in the ingredients, he snickered but didn't say anything. Itachi had a feeling something was happening but his failing eye sight didn't allowed him to see the eggshells. The Uchiha frowned slightly.

"Zetsu, give me the beater." He demanded.

"Why?" **'No.' **Zetsu replied.

"I want to check it." Itachi explained.

"We will give Itachi the beater." **'But we want it back.' **Zetsu handed Itachi the better.

And that was where the shit hit the fan. Or to be precise, butter, sugar and egg. Zetsu failed to turn the beaters off before removing them from the bowl. The kitchen was splattered with the mixture. Itachi was in the line of fire, the mixture clung to his hair, Akatsuki cloak and face. No one dared to say anything, Itachi acted like nothing happened. Casually flicking a piece of mixture out of his hair before testing the mixture,

"Why is the mixture..crunchy?" Itachi asked, with a slim brow raised slightly.

"Egg shells tend to be crunchy dipshit." Hidan was struggling not to laugh and snorted instead.

"So, _who_ can cook un?" Deidara asked with amusement.

"Perhaps that was not the best way to put it." Sasori tried to explain it again "we are cooking because _you_ brats are all so immature,"

Deidara huffed and crossed his arms sulkily.

"Point proven." Sasori smirked in triumph.

The mixture was completed and layed out on the bench. Sasori handed Itachi the rolling pin and stood back. The Uchiha began to roll the dough out with precision, every part of it was even. Deidara began to get frustrated at the perfection. The artistic nin jumped to his feet, grabbed the perfect rolled out dough and threw it at Itachi's face.

"Art is a.." Deidara paused unable to think of a word.

"A brat." Sasori finished for him.

"Yeah! Wait, what un?"

"Has anyone noticed Mr. Perfect is the only one who's ended up covered in ingredients?" Hidan pointed out unnecessarily before dodging the rolling pin that was thrown at him by Itachi. The rolling pin smashed into the cave wall and shattered, leaving a hole and millions of splinters.

"Do you know how much that cost?!" Kakuzu raged, "that's coming out of _your _pay Itachi."

Two hours later the kitchen was covered in flour, eggs, butter and sugar and there was still no mixture. Sasori was hiding in the corner, nursing his arm that was ripped out of his puppet sockets. It was covered in the mixture. After Kisame pointed out they no longer had anything to roll the mixture out with, all the members turned to Sasori and stared at his wooden arms.

Every member was arguing over the best way to make the mixture and no one agreed with each others ideas. Itachi's sharingan eyes were blazing at Deidara who insisted adding gun powder would be an explosive idea. Kisame insisted that the mixture should have blue food dye added to it whilst Zetsu was positive that human meat was meant to be an ingredient. Kakuzu sat at the table with his head in his hands, he was trying to calculate that damages and how much money it was costing him. Tobi was reduced to a sobbing mess. Just as things couldn't get worse, Deidara flung a large chunk of mixture at Itachi once again. The raven dodged it and it flew towards the door. The blob of mixture hit the person coming through the door.

Everyone fell silent, Deidara pointed to Itachi accusingly.

Pein pulled the blob of mixture of his head and glared at all the members.

"I asked you to do one thing. One fucking thing." Pein's voice grew in volume, "you are all complete idiots, I don't know why I let you join..."

"With all do respect Leader Sama, we were under the idea that this was a criminal organization, not a baking club." Itachi said, his voice even.

Pein marched into the kitchen, found an unbroken bowl and mixed all the ingredients together. He ripped Sasori's arm back off him and rolled the dough out. Pein turned and walked back out of the kitchen. Everyone was silent.

"Sasori, you're cutting the dough." Kakuzu broke the silence and stood up, throwing the cookie cutter at the one armed puppet.

"I want no part in this." Sasori glared.

"You're the only one competent enough to do this." Kakuzu said.

"Itachi or you are perfectly capable at handling this."

"Perhaps, but you're forgetting Itachi's blind as a bat and I wouldn't want to risk my bulky build ruining the dough somehow." Kakuzu tried again.

"Fine." Sasori gave in.

They had an assembly line set up, Sasori would cut the dough, making stars, Zetsu would lift them onto the trays and Kakuzu would place them in the oven until they were cooked. After a grueling four hours spent in the kitchen they finally had all the stars cooked. They lined the bench. Kakuzu found the bag of icing sugar and placed it on the table. He gave Deidara, Kisame and Hidan a kunai and told them to ice the stars. Deidara looked confused.

"What could possibly be the matter?" Kakuzu asked with annoyance.

"It's just that..you need to add water to the icing sugar un." Deidara said timidly.

An hour later three sets of stars lined the table. The set in front of Deidara were iced beautifully, the icing reached out to the points. The set in front of Hidan were splattered on without care. The set in front of Kisame were mostly broken due to his large hands and roughness. They looked happy, as though everything was finally done.

"So, can Tobi put the colorful dots on now?"

A bowl of hundreds and thousands was placed in front of Tobi, the masked member began to dip each star in and then placed them into a gift box. Everyone watched in fascination as the usually hyper member concentrated his every cell into his job. Half an hour later every biscuit was placed into a gift box. All the members let out a sigh of relief. Tobi stood up.

"Did Tobi do a good job?" He asked eagerly.

"Yes, Tobi did a good job." **'Tobi is a good boy.'** Zetsu said with slight proud.

"Yay! Tobi's a good boy!" The eccentric member flung his arms out. With horror the members watched as the gift boxes were swept off the table. The biscuits flew through the air, almost in slow motion before landing on the ground, most of the biscuits were now broken or covered in unidentified objects.

"TOBI!" All the members shouted in anger.

* * *

In front of Pein were presents, gifts Konan wrapped with perfection. He smiled slightly. "It's a good thing we found a way to keep them out of our way whilst we did some shopping and wrapped these presents."

"Yes, it's kept them busy for many hours." Konan agreed, her lips curing upwards slightly.


End file.
